To my first baby, my Benny:
Happy fifth birthday!
Five years and eight months ago, Momma and Daddy found out that we were going to have a baby—you. Our light. We were renting a townhome in the suburbs of Boston, married for five years, and working hard on our careers.
The Beginning
When Mommy saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test that morning, she was overjoyed, yet so nervous! I had no idea how much my life would change for the better. Daddy was equally excited and equally nervous. I held the test with shaky hands as we stared at it in awe. It was you in there, the size of a blueberry, growing stronger each day.
Throughout the first trimester, I couldn’t stomach the smell of chicken, suddenly decided my beloved morning coffee tasted awful, and often suffered through my work afternoons feeling incredibly nauseous, rushing home each evening to take a nap before dinner.
Your Kicks
I remember feeling you kick for the first time. Momma was a special education teacher. My kindergarteners and I were practicing our word families, and I felt a little flutter on the right side of my belly button. It was the best feeling in the entire world, and from then on, you were quite the active little thing—especially right after meals and between 1am and 4am—which coincidentally would also be the time you would normally awaken as a newborn, ready to play.
All of Momma’s doctor’s appointments and scans went wonderfully, and I enjoyed having you in my tummy. Summer came, and since Mommy was a teacher, we spent our days in the pool, reading books and drinking the lemonade you craved, knowing we would pay for it with horrendous heartburn later on.
Around 25 weeks, I began to get those dreaded Braxton Hicks contractions, to help Mommy’s body practice for when she would go into labor and welcome you into the world. They seemed strong, and were quite frequent, but the nurses assured me that most first time mommas were often surprised by their strength. Something seemed off to me, though. Despite all the assurance, Mommy still felt uneasy about how often they were coming. But, I tried not to worry.
Third Trimester
Summer seemed to fly by, as Mommy and Daddy prepared our home for its newest family member. However, I was beginning to feel quite uncomfortable as the new school year approached. I was 29 weeks, but I chalked it up to normal Braxton Hicks and having a smaller frame, as my belly stretched to accommodate my growing Benny. We spent a lot of time on the couch by then. You liked to keep your little feet snuggled in my rib cage, and I would tickle them to get you to move. Lucy and Remy often rested their heads on Mommy’s belly, and sometimes you would wiggle and kick and they would look for where it came from. I think they knew you were in there.
My plan for work was to continue until I was full-term, so in mid-August, I was back, slowly setting up my classroom and preparing for the new school year. My case load had grown, and the special education team had quite a few meetings scheduled for the first week of school.
Things Took A Turn
During the first meeting of the day on the third day of school, I started to feel weird. The Braxton Hicks would not stop. I don’t remember much of that meeting, because all I could think about was whether this was normal or not. I was only 32 weeks along, everything had been healthy thus far, and I was probably overreacting. However, Mommy is a well-known worrier, so I went right back to my office and called the doctor. They decided to have me come in to make sure everything was okay.
Preterm Labor
When I walked into the office, they hooked me up to a contraction monitor to see if there was any pattern to my Braxton Hicks. I was getting pretty nervous at this point, even though I knew it was standard practice. You just weren’t ready, Benny. I hoped there was no pattern. Yet, fifteen minutes later, the doctor came back in, read the results, and informed me that I was, in fact, in labor.
I denied an ambulance and drove myself to our hospital, and I called Daddy on the way, sobbing. Since he worked in Boston and took the train each day, he had to call a cab, and it would end up taking him a bit to get there.
When I walked into Labor and Delivery, I already had a room and the doctor was waiting. They hooked me up to the contraction monitor again, and checked my cervix. I prayed I wasn’t dilated. He said five centimeters-active labor.
By now, I was hysterical. Daddy still wasn’t there, and since I was only 32 weeks, they had to act fast to stop the labor. They did an ultrasound to make sure you were head down, just in case. You were, and you were low. They estimated you were between 2 and 3 pounds. They also gave me a steroid shot to help your lungs develop—it couldn’t hurt, the doctor said.
Can We Stop It?
Here’s the rule of thumb about preterm labor. If you are anytime before 34 weeks, they will do all they can to stop it. My water hadn’t broken. There was still time. So, they rolled in an IV of magnesium sulfate, which is used to slow—and hopefully stop—contractions. Daddy ran in right as they were explaining it to me.
They said I would feel really hot, but not to worry, as my body temperature wasn’t actually rising. It would be given over just a few minutes, and then I would feel normal again and my contractions would hopefully slow down. They gave me an anti-anxiety, and we began. Holy hell, was that an experience. I felt like I was walking on the surface of the sun, Benny. They put ice packs on my face and neck, but I couldn’t even feel them. It was an awful experience, but one that was fully worth every painful second. The contractions slowed down.
Cooking Longer
For the next day, they continued to monitor my contractions and checked my cervix for any progression. Luckily, there was none—the magnesium worked! They gave me the second shot for your lungs, and I was able to go home on bed rest, with the goal of making it to 37 weeks. However, there’s no crystal ball to tell to how long a baby will stay put. It could be a day, or it could be weeks, eventually needing an induction. We didn’t know.
Home to Wait
My maternity leave began right then. For the next five weeks, I rested, purchased the essentials we had listed on our baby shower registry, and did visit the hospital a couple more times for increased contractions. While I wasn’t dilating further, I was effacing, and your head was engaged. By 36 weeks, I could hardly walk and the nurse was begging for the doctor to break my water, as it was starting to “sag” through my cervix. (I know, but, it happened.)
It Was Time
How we made it, Benny, I don’t know, but 37 weeks finally came, and I needed you OUT. Having your head sit in my pelvis for weeks made it painful to walk, sit, or even lay down. To take my mind off of ways to jump start labor, Daddy took me out for a date day. I was tired and uncomfortable, but I was so glad to be out of the house. To finish up my hospital bag, I wanted to get a couple of extra things at Babies R Us, so afterwards, we went next door to eat at a Mexican restaurant, Margaritas.
I tried to eat, but I didn’t feel hungry. I felt weird again, but as much as I wanted you out, I was in denial. Daddy quickly ate his food and took me home, knowing something wasn’t right. Over the remainder of the afternoon, I became more and more uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to go to the hospital. It was a mixture of fearing it would be another false alarm and actually having a baby. Part of me was waiting for my water to break or those intense contractions you see in the movies. Guess what? Neither happened-and that’s normal.
Daddy convinced me to go in around 5pm, and I was admitted. I had already been dilated enough to be admitted, but the doctor said the look on my face told him I was in labor. It wasn’t pain-it was discomfort. We settled into the room and it became more real that we were finally going to meet you—and safely! When the doctor came back in, I was 7cm and contracting regularly. I never had a so-called “birth plan,” but I did always know I was getting the epidural.
Pushing
I waited for the anesthesiologist, hoping I would get it before my water broke and the real pain set in. Thankfully, I did, because my water never broke on its own. We waited until 8cm and it was still holding strong, so the doctor broke it for me. From there, we waited until you were ready. Daddy caught a few Z’s, but I laid there, breathing through the masked pain of the worst contractions. (There’s a little button next to you, connected to your epidural, and yes-you can push it every 15 minutes. Wish I knew that earlier! Ha! But once I did-I pushed that sucker every chance I got.)
When it was time to push, I was so nervous to experience birth but so excited to meet you. I pushed hard, and within 2 hours, you made your appearance! At 5:14am on September 30, 2017, Benny was born, weighing 6lbs and 4oz, and 19in long.
You Were Born
But when you came out, you didn’t cry.
Instead, Momma did. Tears of fear. She was so worried that her Benny wasn’t okay. Didn’t all babies cry when they were born? I have no recollection of what happened during the five minutes that it took them to look you over and make sure you weren’t in need of a NICU visit. But in the end, you passed the Apgar test by one point, and finally I got to hold you. I held you so softly, and just stared at your little face. A perfect little human. Daddy and I made a person.
I chose to breastfeed, and you took right away. You were a little jaundiced from being born at 37 weeks, but it quickly cleared up. And during the entire hospital stay, you never made a peep-until we put you in your carseat to take you home. At that point, we found out that you did, in fact, know how to cry.
You’re Five
From the beginning, you were so loved, Benny. And now you’re five. I cannot believe that five years has gone by since you’ve come into this world, but you make it a more beautiful and happy place. Your heart is so big and caring. You’re so full of life. You see the good in everyone. You get your amazing logic skills from your Daddy, and your compassion and love of animals from your Momma. To your little brother, you mean the world. You’re brave, empathetic, and welcoming. Intelligent, thoughtful, and creative. You find the light in every situation, and you are such a grateful little boy. Momma and Daddy are so proud of the person you are becoming, and today is a celebration of you—our first born. Our light, our love. Happy birthday, Benny. If anyone deserves the world, it’s you.
Love you forever,
Momma
